Listening to survivors can actually be really hard, but believe it or not, this may be the most important thing you can do. The person you love may tell you things that are challenging to listen to and digest, as details of sexual violence, sexual assault, and rape often are. You may hear things that bring up hard emotions, especially if you, yourself, are a survivor as well. Preparing yourself ahead of time to listen, when possible, can be helpful. If your loved one has already started telling you their story, this page can still be helpful. It is likely that you will have further conversations, and the ideas here will help you listen well.

Try to mainly listen, and don’t worry about offering advice at first. You can ask questions for clarification, but make sure that you are not coming across as doubting or minimizing what they are telling you. It is very important to listen not only to the facts or the story of what happened, but also to the emotions that they are sharing. Sometimes, something might not sound “serious” to you, but is deeply emotionally painful to your loved one. Also, remember that survivors may only tell you part of the story at first. They may initially tell you the less graphic or painful details of a sexually violent event, either because they can not speak about what happened to them, or because they fear your reaction. Survivors can fear being judged by the people they love. They may fear that their loved ones, particularly fathers, husbands, and boyfriends will act violently towards their attackers. It is important to try to remain calm as you listen.

When your loved one is speaking, give them the space to say as much or as little as they feel comfortable with, leaving room for silence that they can fill if they want to. Don’t just hear, but genuinely actively listen to what they are saying. 

Here are some ways to show that you are actively listening and are there for them: 

• Non-verbal cues such as nodding or shaking your head
• Lots of survivors don’t like to be touched when talking about the violence they experienced, but if they do, placing your hand on theirs, putting your arm around them, or giving a hug can be comforting. Make sure to ask permission before touching them!     
• Some survivors, particularly those who are neurodiverse, may find it easier to talk if you are not face to face. It can be easier to talk if you are both facing forward in a car, or if you are in a position where they do not feel overwhelmed by eye contact.
• Paraphrasing what you are hearing, saying “I hear you”, “I understand”, “I know”, and “thank you for telling me this” affirm that you are listening to what is being said, and also give the survivor an opportunity to clarify anything that they want to.

Once they have finished telling you what happened to them, then you can go ahead and offer advice, comfort, love, and your support. Before offering any advice, you may want to ask what they need or what they want you to do for them. You can even ask if they would like you to just listen or to give them suggestions.

If a survivor decides to tell you their story, it means that they trust you!  Be sure not to violate that trust. Don’t share with other friends or family unless you have your loved one’s explicit permission to do so.