For Siblings
Watching someone you love go through sexual violence is sad and painful. Siblings have one of the most unique human relationships, and therefore, if you are the sibling of a survivor, you may share their pain in a way that is profound. Often, siblings are one another’s closest confidants, and you may learn of your sibling’s experiences before your parents, other adults, or even friends.
On the other hand, you probably have a complicated relationship with your sibling that includes both a special connection and rivalry or conflict. Wherever you fall on this spectrum, you may be living with your sibling during the immediate and long-term aftermath of sexual violence. Here are some important and helpful things for siblings to remember.
Your Sibling Has Been Through a Traumatic Event
All sexual assaults are violent and traumatic experiences. If your sibling has lived through a rape or other sexual violence, they are likely experiencing emotions that are hard for them to process. The best thing you can do for both yourself and your sibling is to understand trauma. Your sibling may act in ways that are sad, upsetting or even scary for you, and you may be inclined to blame them for these behaviors. Your sibling may actually feel scared and overwhelmed by their behaviors as well and may experience them as another source of trauma. All of this is normal. The more you understand the human response to trauma, the more you will be able to respond to your sibling with love and understanding.
Your Parents May Have Reactions That are Hard for You to Process
They may be sad, angry, or seem shut down. They may react as if they, themselves, have been traumatized. Your sibling needs a lot of attention right now, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t also need your parents. It’s okay to tell your parents what you need from them, and to share your feelings with them as well. Even though this might be hard to do, remember that your parents have enough love and support to hold both you and your sibling. It’s not your job to take care of your parents while they are figuring out how to handle the trauma, but spending fun time together as a family might be helpful and healing for all of you.
Parents or Other Adults in Your Family may be the Perpetrators of Sexual Violence
In many situations, sexual violence is committed by parents or other adults in the family. Abuse may target one or more children in a family. If your parents are sexually abusive, or are protecting another abusive family member, then you will need to seek help outside your family. This may be on your own behalf, or on behalf of a sibling who is being victimized. Any adult in school can help you get out of an abusive situation. You may also be able to turn to other trusted adults in your life.
If your Sibling Confides in You, Listening Well is One of the Best Things You Can Do for Them
When you are listening, remember that you don’t need to solve everything or even offer solutions. Listening is, in and of itself, a way to support your sibling. You just need to be there. You have the unique ability to offer love and support to your sibling.
Here are some specific things you can say to your sibling, depending on the situation and what you feel comfortable with:
“Thank you for telling me.”
“I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
“I’m glad you trust me enough to share that with me.”
“I’m here to support you no matter what you decide to do.”
“I’m always your friend and I’m here for you.”
“I’m always on your side.”
“You are so strong.”
“You don’t have to be strong. It’s okay to feel whatever you feel.”
“I hate the person who hurt you.”
“Your attacker is my sworn enemy for life.”
“I would be happy to talk to our parents/ the guidance counselor/ another adult with you.”
“What do you want to do now?”
“I love you so much.”
Encourage Your Sibling to Seek Help
If your parents are supportive and safe, encourage your sibling to talk to them.
If your parents are not supportive or safe, try to help identify a close adult relative or friend who might be more so. If you, yourself, are an adult, you may be able to help your sibling with medical or psychological care.
Encourage your sibling to use rape survivor hotlines and both online and in-person support groups. They are free and can be life-saving.
Know That There are Some Times You May Need to Break Your Sibling’s Confidence
If you believe that your sibling is in immediate danger of suicide, or engaging in extremely risky behavior (for example drugs or alcohol abuse, unsafe hook-ups), please tell an adult who can help.
If you or your loved one is in crisis, or if you just need to speak to a trained, confidential adult, we encourage you to contact:
In the US: The National Sexual Assault Hotline (open 24/7): 1-800-656-4673.
From Canada or the US: 1.888.407.4747