Significant Others and Romantic Partners
If your partner has experienced sexual violence, you may feel angry, sad or helpless. Watching somebody you love suffer is painful, and sexual violence inflicts emotional and physical wounds that may particularly impact intimate, romantic, and sexual relationships. Of course, these relationships come in all different forms. Some partners are married or living together, while others may be dating and have varying degrees of commitments. Relationships most commonly involve two people, but may also be polyamourous or non-monogamous. In whatever forms they take, relationships can, and do survive after a partner has experienced the trauma of sexual violence. The more you understand what your partner is living through, the better you can help in their recovery and the stronger your relationship will be. Here is some information that may be helpful for you and your significant other.
Remember that Your Partner has Been Through a Traumatic Event
Sexual assault and rape are always violent and traumatic experiences. Your significant other has survived that violence, but is likely still living with trauma responses that are overwhelming, painful, and scary to them. Trauma responses can last for a long time, and can also take the form of PTSD. Sometimes, the sexual violence will have taken place before you even met or began dating your partner, or it might have happened during your relationship. Either way, the more you understand normal responses to trauma, the more you will be able to interact with your partner in a loving, calm, and patient way.
Understand the Ways in Which Sexual Violence can Affect Future Sexual and Romantic Relationships
Sexual violence can significantly affect a survivor’s response to sex and physical intimacy. Survivors may have severe trauma responses during sexual activity like crying, flinching, or pulling away, and may wind up avoiding sex altogether. Even behaviors like kissing and holding hands may feel overwhelming after sexual violence. Sometimes survivors feel numb, detached, or even separated from their own bodies.
For significant others, it might be hard not to take this personally, and if you find yourself craving physical intimacy, it can be hard to feel like your partner can’t always meet those needs. All of this is really normal, and it’s important to remember that these behaviors are not about you. Survivors most often get better over time, and with distance from the event, these trauma responses will likely decrease in severity and frequency. If these behaviors do not wind up going away, that can be ok too. Relationships can evolve to accommodate what both you and your partner need from sex, and that includes taking breaks.
Be sure to let your partner have space to return to sex as well as to avoid it. If your partner is feeling ready to return to intimacy, you may be worried about hurting or scaring them. A return to healthy sexual activity should involve checking in with your partner, following their lead, and working to find out what their emotional and sexual needs are. It is critical to follow the ABC’s of consent every time you have a sexual interaction with your partner, even if you are in a long term committed relationship. Consent is important for all levels of sexual activity, and will help build trust in your relationship. In the meantime, let your partner know that you care for and love them, and make sure to follow your partner’s cues during sex and intimacy.
You May be Your Partner’s Main Support After Sexual Violence
One of the best parts of being in an intimate relationship with another person is the feeling of connection and exclusivity. You may feel like your significant other is the person you are closest to in the world, and that you feel safe and comfortable sharing everything with one another. This means that in times of crisis, you are one another’s primary support person. This can be hard if you are a young partner to a survivor of sexual violence. You may feel overwhelmed by your own emotions, or feel like you don’t know how to support your significant other in a way that is safe, helpful, and loving.
It is important for you to learn all that you can about sexual violence and physical and mental health. You may need to help your partner make important decisions about how to proceed right after an assault, for example, how to access healthcare, and whether to go to the police or the hospital. Most of us turn to our significant others for love, intimacy and validation. Keep offering these to your partner. Learn to listen well here.
If you are a teenager, help your significant other figure out whether it is safe to talk to their parents, and if not, who might be an adult who can help. Survivors can need a lot of care from professionals, and parents may be critical in helping them get the help they need. Needing their parents doesn’t make you less important in their lives. Survivors need all of their loved ones on their side.
If you or your loved one is in crisis, or if you just need to speak to a trained, confidential adult, we encourage you to contact:
In the US: The National Sexual Assault Hotline (open 24/7): 1-800-656-4673.
From Canada or the US: 1.888.407.4747