For Friends
Young people who have been victims of sexual violence often turn to friends before they go to parents or other, older adults. When a friend turns to you, they may already be in crisis, and you may be scared about their safety and mental health. You may be wondering what you can do to help a friend who has confided in you, and it’s common to feel confused or overwhelmed. Our society often fails teenagers and young adults in not teaching them about sexual violence and how to handle its aftermath. It can be difficult to figure out the safest and most comprehensive way to help your friend. Here are some thoughts for how you can support your friend and yourself.
For general information and education about how to help survivors, you can click here (or just have some icons). For more information directly for friends, keep reading (or another icon)
Believe Your Friend
It’s really important for your friend to know that you believe them, and that you continue to remind them of this as they go through recovery. This is especially hard when assaults take place that involve a group of friends, because it can be hard to believe that somebody you know could be capable of rape or other types of sexual assault. Groups of friends sometimes rally around the person who has committed the assault, leaving the victim feeling socially isolated, or even bullied. Here, try to remember that it is very rare for people to lie about being sexual assault survivors. Your friend might even need extra support if their attacker is close to the people they care about.
Be sure to stick by your friend’s side, and don’t tell your friend that you can’t believe what they are saying because you know the person. You may even need to stand up for your friend in the group and make clear that you believe what they are telling you. We know that this is hard, but it is something concrete that you can do to help your friend.
Encourage Your Friend to Seek Help
It’s really important for your friend to know that you believe them, and that you continue to remind them of this as they go through recovery. This is especially hard when assaults take place that involve a group of friends, because it can be hard to believe that somebody you know could be capable of rape or other types of sexual assault. Groups of friends sometimes rally around the person who has committed the assault, leaving the victim feeling socially isolated, or even bullied. Here, try to remember that it is very rare for people to lie about being sexual assault survivors. Your friend might even need extra support if their attacker is close to the people they care about.
Be sure to stick by your friend’s side, and don’t tell your friend that you can’t believe what they are saying because you know the person. You may even need to stand up for your friend in the group and make clear that you believe what they are telling you. We know that this is hard, but it is something concrete that you can do to help your friend.
Know That There are Some Times You May Need to Break Your Friend’s Confidence
Parents may or may not be supportive or safe. If your friend has safe and supportive parents, encourage them to talk to them. Talking to parents can be scary, but especially for younger victims, they can be critical in getting medical and emotional help. Older siblings can be good for support, especially when they are adults.
If your friend’s parents are not supportive or safe, try to help your friend identify a close and trustworthy adult. There are some cases of sexual violence where a parent might even be the abuser. In these cases, look for an adult like a guidance counselor or teacher who will be able to facilitate reporting the abuse in a safe way.
Encourage college-age friends to seek emergency help through the counseling center. The center will be able to refer your friend to a longer-term therapist. Some campus professionals are mandated reporters who are legally obligated to report crimes against students, and particularly against minors, but counselors are a good choice for confidentiality.
Encourage your friend to use rape survivor hotlines (you can find one at the bottom of this page), and both online and in-person support groups. They are free and can be life-saving.
If you believe that your friend is in immediate danger of suicide, or engaging in extremely risky behavior (for example drugs or alcohol abuse, unsafe hook-ups, and severe self harm), please tell an adult who can help. Your friend may resent your decision, and you may even lose the friendship, but you may be the person to save your friend’s life.
It’s Okay to Get Help for Yourself While You are Helping Your Friend
It is always okay for you to talk to trusted adults in your own life after a friend has confided in you about sexual violence. Not only can adults in your life help you figure out how to help your friend, but they can also help to support you if you are feeling overwhelmed. Sexual violence can be devastating, and it is normal to feel angry, sad, exhausted, or lost. The adults in your life can help keep you strong and can be a safe place for you to turn when you need to express your own emotions. Taking care of yourself will also help you be stable and strong so that you can help your friend in an ongoing way.
Remember that it is possible to get help for yourself without violating your friend’s trust and confidentiality. Unless you are worried for your friend’s safety, you should be careful not to share details of the attack or their name.
Here are some specific things you can say to your friend, depending on the situation and what you feel comfortable with:
“Thank you for telling me.”
“I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
“I’m glad you trust me enough to share that with me.”
“I’m here to support you no matter what you decide to do.”
“I’m always your friend and I’m here for you.”
“I’m always on your side.”
“You are so strong.”
“You don’t have to be strong. It’s okay to feel whatever you feel.”
“I would be happy to talk to your parents/ the guidance counselor/ another adult with you.”
“What do you want to do now?”
“I love you so much.”
“I hate the person who hurt you.”
“Your attacker is my sworn enemy for life.”
If you or your loved one is in crisis, or if you just need to speak to a trained, confidential adult, we encourage you to contact:
In the US: The National Sexual Assault Hotline (open 24/7): 1-800-656-4673.
From Canada or the US: 1.888.407.4747