For Parents

There is an old saying that having a child is like having your heart walk around outside your body. If your child has been the victim of a rape or other sexual assault, you probably feel like your own heart has been shattered. You may feel rage, deep sadness, or even guilt. Your child’s trauma will be a trauma for you as well. It will be different from your child’s, but profound and life-changing all the same.

And yet, in the aftermath of an assault—both immediately and years later—you have critical work to do. Your response and your actions will help shape your child’s recovery.

Here are some important things you can do:

Listen

Listening well is one of the most important and possibly most difficult things you can do for your child.

Your child may want to tell you what happened, but don’t expect this. Details may emerge over months, or even years. You will need to be ready to hear their story without judgment or pressure to tell you more.

You will need to listen to how your child wishes to proceed. You may be eager to report the crime, to go to a hospital, or to confront officials from school, camp, sports, or house of worship, for example. You certainly will want to offer guidance and advice, but be sure to listen to what your child wants and needs.

You will need to remember that this is your child’s story to tell, and not yours. Listening without repeating is incredibly hard. Remember that your confidants may also be your child’s family and friends. Make sure that you have your child’s permission before sharing with people who are close to them.

Make Critical Decisions and Take Critical Actions in the Immediate Aftermath of a Rape or Other Sexual Assault

Our survivors page has important advice for those wishing to go to the police or hospital. You will need to be your child’s support and advocate in those environments. Your strength will both support your child and shape the way others treat them.

In the case of rape, even if you are not going to the police, you will want to seek medical care and possibly testing for STDs and pregnancy. Your child might be opposed to this, so it is important to include them in the process. If you have a child who doesn’t know about STDs and other risks that come from sexual penetration, sit down and have a real conversation so that everyone is on the same page. This can be really scary for survivors, so make sure that you emphasize in a clear but loving and non-confrontational way that the point of testing is to make sure that they are safe and healthy. Let them help you find a doctor that they feel comfortable with, or take them to a clinic like Planned Parenthood that offers quick testing and might feel more anonymous than a family doctor. 

If it turns out that your child is pregnant, here is another place where you will need to have a difficult conversation. Remember that ultimately it is your child’s choice what to do about a pregnancy after rape, and although your might have strong feelings about what they should do, it is your job to present them with options and support them in the decision that they ultimately make. Here is more in depth information about sexual and reproductive health after sexual violence.

Learn Everything you can About Trauma

Any sexual assault or rape is a violent and traumatic event. Your child is likely experiencing emotions and reactions that are overwhelming and scary to them. You may actually have started to see trauma responses before your child has confided in you about what happened to them. Seeing your beloved child seemingly change in a sudden and scary way can be confusing and upsetting. Sadly, most parents have no idea of what trauma looks like or how to respond to it until they are immersed in a crisis. You may feel overwhelmed and unsure of how to react in a way that is supportive, healthy, and safe for your child and their siblings. 

A good first step is to learn about the human response to trauma and about PTSD. Not all survivors of sexual assault develop PTSD, but it is critical that you understand how the brains of trauma victims function. If you do not understand trauma, you may mistake your child’s behavior for purposeful aggression, rebellion, or sullenness. Your reactions may inadvertently trigger an even deeper trauma response. On the other hand, the more you know about trauma, the more you can respond to your child with love, understanding, and calm. You can learn more about this on our Trauma and PTSD page.  

Please also be sure to see our list below of dangerous trauma responses that may threaten your child’s health, well-being, or even their life.

Support Your Child

Believe your child and tell your child—as many times as you can—that the violence and their trauma responses are not their fault.

Your child may direct their anger at you, and it can be hard to support a child who is angry or lashing out at you. It can be equally hard to support a child who becomes withdrawn or silent. Remember that  their reactions and behaviors aren’t really about you. Your steadfast love and support will help them see that their emotions are not too scary or intense for you to hear and hold.

Help your child access therapy. Finding a good trauma therapist—one who accepts insurance and has open appointments—can seem like finding a needle in a haystack. Don’t give up! Use the internet, personal references, and doctor’s references. 

You can find more information about therapy and how to find a therapist here.

Watch for, and be Prepared to get Help for, Dangerous Trauma Responses that Often Follow Sexual Assault

  • Eating disorders
  • Withdrawl or lack of interest in daily life
  • Extreme anxiety or depression
  • Substance abuse including drinking, smoking or vaping, and drug use
  • Cutting, burning, self-inflicted bruising, and other forms of self-harm
  • Risky sexual behavior that may take the form of:
    • Hookups with strangers
    • Inappropriate use of dating apps and social media like Snapchat
    • Online anonymous chat rooms and apps like Omegle and Kik
    • Sex that “seems” consensual, but is actually degrading, pressured, or takes place under the influence of drugs or alcohol
    • Physically and sexually abusive relationships
  • Suicide attempts

To learn more about trauma and PTSD, click here.

Take Care of Yourself

On airplanes, the standard safety protocol is to secure your own oxygen mask before helping your child. The same applies here. You are undergoing a traumatic event, and it is ok to recognize that you need support too. Be sure to seek the help that you need from a therapist, clergy person, family, or friends. Get enough sleep, do the things that bring you joy, and try to have fun as a family.